There Are Times...

My sweet and happy SIL posted a "There are times..." status on Facebook today that made me think. This has been a kinda awful week for me in a few ways that I won't ramble on about. Oh wait, I probably will. This week makes me want to wallow and I probably will after I get done writing this supposedly upbeat post.

• There are times when I feel like a truly sucky mother because my 8 month old STILL doesn't sleep through the night. Sometimes I get so frustrated repeatedly helping him fall asleep that I want to let him scream himself to sleep and I hate that feeling. Makes me cry and rush to him after only a couple of minutes. Which leads to:
• There are times when I want to smack anyone who gives me any kind of parenting advice when I don't ask for it. I should also stick to this and sometime smack myself. Also:
• There are times when I want to stop listening to and reading what other people have done successfully with their kid and go live in a cave so no one will contribute my already "is this how I raise my kid right?" feelings.
  
• There are times when I feel like a lazy ass when I find a damp load of clothes in the dryer smelling nice and musty. Wonderful. Now I only have 12,000 loads of laundry to do today.
• There are times when I read the news and National Geographic and I lose faith in humanity. We are so divided and unthinkingly destructive.
• There are times when I want to be emotionally immature and hold a grudge or get angry for what someone has "done to me". I have to fight this to be accepting of others and look at the big picture and remember I LOVE/LIKE THESE PEOPLE. And no, I'm not talking about you, don't worry:)
  
• There are times when I want to spend time with my hubby, just me and him. And then I tell myself shut up, think how lucky you are to actually HAVE him.
• There are times when I wish I wouldn't tell myself how good I have it. Even lucky people deserve to wallow sometimes, right?
  
• There are times when I wish people and relationships didn't change with distance, age, and time.
• And there are times when I wish people would just grow up and grow a pair. This applies to me as well:)
• There are times when I hopehopehope I will be a good mama. When I plead/beg whoever/whatever to please let me do this parenting thing right. I want my kid to know I love him unconditionally, no matter anything. Which is what I whisper to him as he screams and goes through this "Sleep is for the WEAK!!!" phase.
  
• There are times when I wish everyone would think EXACTLY as I do. And then we'd all be so dull that we'd collectively explode and actually implode, simultaneously.
• And last, the one that bothers me a little: There are times when I gleefully murder the ants that crawl on my counters. What is wrong with me???

PS- Please return to your normally scheduled life.

Parental Thoughts

Just finished my second breakfast: scrambled eggs with cheese, bread with butter and raw honey, apple cider, yum! We race through about 2 dozen eggs each week due to our/my breakfast consumption. Yikes!! Cheapest form of protein out there though!!

2 Pop Up Thoughts-

1. As a kid I was always told: eat your crust, it's the most nutritious part of the bread. That's not true, is it? I THINK NOT!! Sneaky way to get me to eat the crust!!
2. However, the white part of the orange is super good for you, I understand that now and tell J to eat it when he picks it off.
3. I am bossy.

Pop Up Parenting Thought #1 (Yes! Like a camper thing or a Pop Tart!!)

As my kid grows, I want to nurture his emotional self. I want him to know it's acceptable and normal to cry, to be angry and sad, and to learn how to voice those feelings. I feel marriage catapulted me into emotional maturity that I did not possess previously. I'd rather C learn these skills a bit earlier!

However, the media scorns men expressing feelings, portraying them as weak if they cry. And I'll admit, sometimes, deep down, I feel that way too. But when it comes to my son, this little person who I would readily give my life for, I want him to have EVERYTHING. I want him to have the full breadth and depth of life, to not be denied anything every. Sigh. I'll either shelter him, spoil him, ruin him, or scar him. But my hubby is awesome and will keep our baby normal:) YAY FOR MY LIFE PARTNER!!!!

Pop Up Parenting Thought #2

The other day I posted a list of wonderful things about breastfeeding my baby boy.

Here's the flip side.

Do you want to know the worst part of breastfeeding? The fact that only I can do it. C needs me to eat, to fall asleep, and to be comforted back to sleep at night and this interrupts my entire day. Not in a major or negative way but sometimes, honestly, yes. It is hard and frustrating to work and sometimes not get much done simply because my boy needs me every 2-3 hours to fall sleep and every 2-3 hours for a meal. Not to mention every 2-3 hours all night. My "me" life, work, and errands get accomplished in spurts that happen between my son's life. Plus he's at the age that when he's awake, he is my focus. He DEMANDS this! It's frustrating to watch my hubby (who said he'd care for C all day last Sunday) get more done than me simply because I am the parent with the LIFE FORCE flowing through my mammary glands.

Oh Mammaries,

You supply my Babe with life,

Fresh, perfect, always flowing.

Did you ever think about me?

My body has not been my own

for 15 months.

It will not be mine again for

years.

Each Babe will take more and more.

But then I will reclaim it!!

But my Babes will always be my mind

For Ever.

And that is fine.

I love Him and future Them

more than me:)

And in the end the love you take, is equal to the love you make- The Beatles. I would NEVEREVEREVER stop breastfeeding C so I could get stuff done around the house. HAHAH!!!! Health reasons, yes, but I have none of those. I am in awe of women who breastfeed while working jobs out of the home, while ill, or who have discomfort when nursing. My minor issues are minor:) Very minor. So I will hush:)

But did you like my poem? Isn't it ARTSY??!?!!?

This weekend I am hanging out with my lovely extended family and working on my pretty but needy house. And I'll leave you with some totally scorealicious pictures:)

C loves his feet! If he could, I think he'd pour ketchup on them and go to town....

C also loves every part of his dog Sadie, even her behind. If he found her poop in the yard, I'm quite sure he'd eat it without ketchup!!!

C Sleep Update

Ignored C when he woke squirming beside me at 6:22 this morn. Continued sleeping.

Ignored that sweet happiness and joy of his at being awake (he's young and naive and didn't stay up with himself at random times last night).

Unswaddled his arms so he could at least suck on his hands and kept sleeping.

Ignored his funny, sweet noises of glee.

Got smacked in the face and forehead was sucked on but continued sleeping.

J came and took the little Booger Boy and I continued sleeping. Until 6:55 :):)

!!!Yay for sleep!!!

I might love it more than food. Nah, they are even. :)

Each night I think about that coming soon day when my baby starts sleeping without me and I know I'm going to so so sosososososo miss cuddling with him all night. In fact, I really should put him in the crib each time he falls back asleep in the middle of the night but can't stand parting with him. Maybe this has to do with our "waking every 1-3 hours" sleep issues??? Hehe. Maybe, but really my boy is not an awesome sleeper when it comes to length. Easy to put to sleep (IMO) (compared to other babies, no, not easy to put to sleep) (compared to C 3 months ago, YES, easy to put to sleep!). In fact, C used to wake only twice a night until DUDUDUM: the 4 month regression hit;)

Back to the point: my babe sleeping not with me. So at 2:34 AM, when I get C nursed and settled back to sleep, I am presented with The Choice: plop him in his crib 6 inches away or curl up with him in the crook of my arm- warm, slumbering, delightfully amazing. And EVERY time, I ignore the crib. And we go to sleep. And we are both ever so happy:)

Upon reflection- my babe wakes every 1-3 hours no matter what- crib, swing, bed, in my arms. It's just him for now. This lovely baby phase we're living through.

Back to sleeping with C- no one ever told me if I bedshare/cosleep, I'll never WANT my baby to leave my bed. It's so unsafe, a bad habit to start, don't do it! was what I read and heard from most people. So I wasn't going to because MY baby would of course sleep easily, DUH! Those babies who didn't sleep well? Well, that was Mom's and Dad's fault. Poor silly parents not knowing how to get a tiny baby to sleep!! My baby would be fine!! I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING!!! Before I had him....

Then I got him:)

And he is the most lovely person that ever existed but we found early, he is very particular about sleep. So I fearfully bedshared since that was the only way to get him to stay sleeping, talked to my SIL about my worries, and researched how to make it safe.

And NOW it feels very unsafe to have my kiddo in the other room, or even that 6 inches away from me! I get worried (granted, sleep quickly erases this fear!) when he's far from me. When he's near, I KNOW he's fine. I know he's breathing, not smothered in blankets, crib rails, the roof hasn't collapsed on him, spiders aren't eating him, the the trillions of other things out there to get my unguarded babe.

When he sleeps with me, I'm calm. His food (me) is within easy accesses. He is safe and easily comforted. He needs me, I need him. It's this beautiful arrangement that might disrupt our sleep a tad bit but feeds our souls much more. Goofy, I know:) But he's happy and safe and I am so in love and grateful.

And So: We co-sleep to sleep.

For now. End of discussion.

And on a side note, C is now napping in his crib, not his swing:):) Swing are for losers!!! And that's what we were when he slept there 8 till midnight last night. Crib wasn't working for him at bedtime;) Mind you, we are the loers, not our baby. I think he got the best of both of us and the combination blended to perfect for him.

And PS- before you tell me/think this isn't safe, please do realize, as moms, we all think differently. I don't believe in giving my child more than 1 vaccine every 2 months, I think my babe should be responded to each and every time he cries (ie- no crying it out for bed or anything), kids under 2 shouldn't watch TV (C doesn't!), and that boys should not have part of their penises cut off. I try to keep those thoughts to myself when others are raising their kids according to their beliefs. We all love our babes differently, right? We all do the best we possibly can as moms:)

Sunday's Shopping Trip

It's my lunch break and I'd like to talk about something lighter than yesterday's post:) While I'm prefacing things, I'd like to say: Sorry for the teeny, odd font. Blogger/my computer/the universe changed yesterday and I can't fix it. I bet my charming hubby can! If I remember to ask him tonight.

I'm buying a new computer in a couple of months to fix this issue:)

So SUNDAY: I went shopping. Without my boy. OOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG!!!!! I know it's only been 6 months that he's been alive out of my uterus, but what and AMAZINGLY unproductive 6 months it's been!! A cozy, delightful, cuddly, playful, happiest-6-months-of-my-life yet very unproductive. Even though I packed and unpacked my household/belongings 3 different times to move, bought a distressed house (following a trend), cleaned and fixed it, and am now happily residing there, it's been hard. And I only have ONE kid!!! Imagine how much I'd be complaining if I had more!

That's all to tell you I felt more productive in 3.5 hours (10:30 AM-2:00 PM) away from baby C than I have in a while. I went to 4 FOUR 4 (4!!!) stores in 3.5 hours. I haven't gone to more than 2 consecutive stores in 6 months. In case you don't know this: once you have a baby, your life revolves around your little pumpkin's sleep schedule! My beautiful boy sleeps so well in his swing or in my arms, and occasionally the carseat if he's uber tired. He doesn't like shopping trips too much though.

Back to the point: I went to Lowe's first. The thing I love about Lowe's, Home Depot, and our local hardware store is the customer service. We go to those places because every employee you pass asks if you need help. SOOO nice when you are wandering around a store bigger than a football field (I think?) (PS- our hardware store is tiny, like a preschool football field). We used to go to Menards ALL THE TIME but finding someone to help you there is like putting C to sleep unswaddled: tough. So: I like customer service in a hardware store:)

Then I went to Kohls. Exchanged some gifted clothes C can't wear due to sizing, got him more much needed onesies for free (basically!). Good service again:)

Next, off to Old Navy. C's wardrobe is getting bare. Sure, he doesn't need a lot. 4-5 short sleeved onesies, same for long sleeved onesies, a couple pants, couple shirts, few pjs, and socks. But he's outgrowing them. And I wanted 1-2 more outfits for cuteness' sake;) So I shopped Old Navy's sale and spent the rest of the exchanged money:)

Last stop: JoAnn Ect. Why I keep shopping here is BEYOND ME. Please remind me to nevernevernever go back! I think they hire only grouchy people. I think they hate their customers. Wish I didn't like the sale prices so very much! Took me 20 minutes to get fabric cut and check out. At this point I HAD to get home. C naps for me, only me, and just me. And he needed a nap.

So I'm FRANTICALLY driving home to my hubby and babe. I hate it when J has to care for C when he screams. The baby will accept no one but Mommy for sleeping. It's a phase! One day DADDY will put him to sleep! And Mommy will drink wine and read in the evenings:)

What's the point? Get all your shopping and errands done now, while you don't have kids. And if you do have kids? I guess we'll wait 5-10 years until shopping becomes easier.

TED and Girls

Have you ever watched TED? They feature all sorts of people sharing all sorts of ideas worth spreading and some of the ideas are really neat and innovative! Also, they are hosting a TED Women conference in December about how women and girls reshaping the future. I like that:)

So hubby J hooked me on TED. I was a bit skeptical at first (boring stuff to listen to on the web? Blah!) but most of the talks are very clever and intriguing. Here's one of my favs: 

Speaking of TED Women, I was thinking on my walk w/ C and Sadie how glad I am to have a boy as my first child. For some reason I think it will be much easier to raise a son who knows women are capable, strong, and able to do and be anything. Is this because most men in my life think this way and it seems natural to me? Maybe?

I sure don't surround myself with anyone (by choice!) who thinks women are not in every aspect of life as capable and resourceful as men. In every aspect except perhaps strength; I know men physically have (what is it, 5%?) more muscle mass than women. But when you think about it, do men push a baby from inside their body, out their vagina? Could they do that???? I DON'T THINK SO. 

But I guess they could if they wanted to and they were physically made for it. Which brings me to the thought that modern medicine would know SOOOOOO much more about morning sickness, pregnancy, and childbirth if men were able to give birth. But this bring us to the topic of how men dominated society and used religion to control gender and cultural freedom for thousands of years and I don't need to get started on that. 

But a daughter. What if everyone gifts her pink clothes? I don't want a 'frilly, dipped in pink girl' just as I don't want a 'dressed only in blue, playing with tools and cars' boy. What if she notices how women are portrayed in pop music, politics, and the media? What if she notices how the girl is so often being saved in movies and books, not doing the saving?

Boys are so much easier. All I have to do is let him grow up around me and J as an example and teach him how life should be. For some reason I don't think that's enough for a girl:( I have to hide her from what culture thinks she should be.

This portion of the post was inspired by Liberal Simplicity:)

Amazing:)

We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful; it's that women are strong. -Laura Stavoe Harm.

A friend of mine posed this quote on Facebook the other day and boy is it true. I think motherhood has maybe had a bigger impact than birth though...

I've never loved such a challenging job quite so much, 

never loved such a beautifully moody person so very deeply and completely, 

never been so satisfied and happy with my quiet little life as I am now. 

And I find that nothing is too much for me to do for my kid, and that my husband is more amazing than I ever knew.

Happiness:)

Poison Ivy and Such

So I've got poison ivy splattered on my arms, knee, finger, and eyelid. And while it is tickly, itchy, and awful, it looks pretty cool. I'm really tempted to take pics of it and post it for other people to look at. But I won't because I know that would drive away my 2.3 readers.....

I've got the nephew and niece over today and its so nice. I'd much rather have them at the house with me all day than me at the house by myself all day. And they let me sleep until 9:30. Which was really responsible of the sole caretaker in the house: sleep while the chillens are running wild. But they played quietly and didn't wake me! Oops. 

Today we cleaned and packed lots, organized toys, they chalked on the driveway while I sanded a dresser, cleaned and organzied more, went to the grocery/meat market/pick up CSA food, made dinner, made ice cream, and now they are running a lot. Running in the front door, out the back door, through the gate, around the back of the fence, and around and around. I'm sitting on the front porch relaxing! Pretty sure I could handle doing this parenting thing. To a 9 and 5 year old. I'll let you know how it goes with a newborn in 3 months. 

Baby boy is kicking and twisting and turning. Must be the ice cream:) And now the kids are sitting in the driveway, listening to the ice cream truck, hoping he turns down our road. A good mom lets her kids make ice cream and then gives them money to buy even more! I'll be such a good mom!!!!